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Have you ever looked at your son and thought, “He’s doing well… so why does he seem so stressed?” Many high-achieving kids appear confident on the outside while quietly struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, self-doubt, and burnout. In this conversation with elite peak performance coach Dr. Carla Caturia, you’ll discover why achievement alone doesn’t build confidence and how to recognize the warning signs before they become overwhelming.
Learn practical ways to support your son without rescuing him, encourage resilience instead of perfection, and help him develop an identity that isn’t defined by grades, sports, or accomplishments. Whether your child excels in the classroom, on the field, or is simply trying to find his place, this episode offers reassuring, actionable advice to help him grow into a confident, emotionally healthy young man.
Dr. Carla Caturia is an elite mental performance coach, educator, and founder of The House of RISE, where she helps tweens, teens, young adults, and their families develop the confidence, resilience, and emotional intelligence needed to thrive under pressure. Drawing on more than 20 years of experience as a teacher, vice principal, professor, and coach, she has worked with over 10,000 students and families to help young people build success from the inside out.
Inspired by her own experience as a high-achieving student who struggled with anxiety and self-worth, Dr. Carla developed the RISE Framework and Success Without Self Cycle™ to help families strengthen self-trust, manage emotions, and navigate life’s challenges without tying their identity to achievement. Her mission is to help young people perform at a high level while maintaining their well-being, relationships, and sense of self.
The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice. Consult with a qualified professional for specific guidance.
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Today, we’re talking about something many parents don’t see until it becomes a problem: the hidden pressure behind achievement and goals.
My guest is Dr. Carla Caturia, elite peak performance coach and founder of the House of Rise. After spending more than 20 years working with over 10,000 tweens, teens, young adults, and their families, she’s discovered that many high-achieving kids look successful on the outside while quietly struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, self-doubt, and burnout.
In this episode, we’ll discuss why achievement doesn’t automatically create confidence, how parents can support their children without rescuing them, and practical ways to help boys develop resilience, emotional intelligence, and a strong sense of identity that isn’t tied to grades, sports, or accomplishments. Welcome, Dr. Carla.
Dr. Carla Caturia: Thank you so much for having me. Thanks for that amazing intro. I appreciate that.
Suzy Shaw: Well, this is a very interesting topic. I think, as a parent, you, of course, want your child to be successful. So let’s just start with how you got into this area and a little bit about your background and focusing on elite teens.
Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, absolutely. So I was an educator. I think, for about 20 years, college, high school, and middle school. And as an assistant principal and a teacher, I kept seeing kind of the same concerns happening. And these actually were the same things that happened to me when I was younger.
A lot of times, it wasn’t even parents putting a lot of pressure on their kids. The kids were putting pressure on themselves. And they would have a lot of stress, anxiety, overwhelm, and kind of achievement became their identity. And so the pressure they put on themselves led them to not trust themselves. And therefore, they were, you know, really overwhelmed and burnt out.
I really helped them with just starting with one: regulating their emotions. And I found that a lot of high achievers are really good, like maybe book smart, or maybe really good at their sport or activity, yet to feel their feelings at a whole other level. And yeah, not as comfortable. So that’s why I kind of did what I’m doing today. Yeah, fun.
Suzy Shaw: Yeah, interesting. And I think every parent can see the struggle that goes on as, you know, teens and kids emotionally develop, whether they’re high achieving or not, and can have that self-doubt and self-reflection, or not, frankly. I mean, no self-reflection at all is a whole other fun part, often of boys. So what are some signs that a child may actually be struggling with anxiety that a parent can look for?
Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, I think, you know, it tends to be maybe a lot of comparison, perfectionism. A lot of kids either just like, I’m going to get a C, and that’s it, I shut down. Or I am so productive and so busy, I have no time to breathe, kind of thing. So it can show up differently.
A lot of, you know, it depends upon others’ opinions, to say feel like it’s just like too much of a risk to try to like figure it out themselves. To take on that responsibility of responsibility. So it’s very easy to not take responsibility.
Suzy Shaw: No, not responsibility.
Dr. Carla Caturia: That’s a big one. And we all know, like, you know, girls often take more responsibility than boys; they mature earlier. But frankly, I don’t think often, you know, sometimes I don’t think it’s like an outward thing with boys that they’re like, I’m not going to take responsibility. I am very aware of this. It’s like a subconscious. It’s easy to blame, blame mom, brother, sister, friend, whoever. Because I don’t want to feel that feeling of whatever it is, fear, so I’m just going to blame somebody else and I’m not going to take the responsibility. So, yeah, shows up.
Suzy Shaw: Well, I think everybody has who they are in their mind’s eye, and when the reality of that, you know, you act a certain way that you didn’t think you were like- you thought you were a good, upstanding person, you’re going to take care of the bully on the bus. And then you didn’t; you just got scared, right? So this self-doubt is there every day with adults and kids, and you talk about success without self-cycle. So, yeah, what is that? And, you know, why are so many successful kids getting caught up in it?
Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. So, yeah, that’s where they are kind of like who I am equals what I achieve. And a lot of times, into what you were just speaking about, it’s, let’s say in elementary and middle school, they don’t have to study/they get good grades; it’s easy. And oftentimes, you know, they hit their first AP class freshman year, or they notice like they’re in high school and they’re with a whole bunch of other kids and other kids are really good at their instruments too, or they’re not the best, whatever it might be, sport, so on and so forth. And right away, it’s like they’re not a jealous person. They don’t hold a lot of contempt, but they do. They’re like, Oh, what do I do now? Like, I’m not the best, or, you know, I’ve got to achieve harder, better, all those things to keep up.
And so they kind of lose their purpose. A lot of kids will quit activities, or I remember I was doing dance for nine years as a kid and then I started sports and I don’t regret either of those decisions yet, you know, do they a lot of times don’t kids don’t get into another activity and then it’s just too much pressure. So they put a lot of pressure on themselves in various other areas of life.
And then, as we spoke about, it’s that lack of self-trust, and they can, you know, just have difficulty problem solving or making a mistake. And, you know, that’s when they just really have that either, you know, it comes out in conflict at home, it comes out in avoidance, it comes out in “I don’t care anymore,” or it could be just, you know, just anxiety, work harder.
Suzy Shaw: So what do parents do at those moments?
Dr. Carla Caturia: Well, so the ideal thing is to get ahead of it and be proactive before we see this happening, of course. So, that’s the ideal and getting them the tools they need prior to kind of emotionally handle their feelings and these big emotions.
So I think oftentimes, for example, you know, I have boys that, you know, they have outbursts, they yell at their mom, they throw equipment at baseball practice or whatever it is. And all of that is just them protecting something they’re not knowing how to feel inside. So the frustration and all that.
So I think parents can either get support or/and model for them how it is to handle big emotions and share with them and be vulnerable and explain and talk about it because it’s easy to sweep feelings and emotions under the rug and just talk about other things. Yeah, yet I think especially with boys, it’s becoming comfortable with your uncomfortable emotions because the more comfortable you become with them, then they’re going to teach you the lesson you need to learn, and you just accept that versus resisting it and then it’s just pushing it down, pushing it down.
Suzy Shaw: Yeah, as a parent, I always felt one of the most critical things I could do was listen and try to hear those nuances, you know, so for example, I wrote a book; I had two boys. I call the boys Earnest and Exuberance. Ernest was not my sports athlete guy. He was the robotics guy. But Exuberance was fast. He was very fast, and he ran cross country, and they wanted him to run year-round. And he said, no. I’m not going to run cross country. And then he goes off to college, and they want him to run on the track team. And he said, no. And so it was, I think, an interesting learning and struggle for his father and myself to figure out how to respect his desire to not do that, you know, when he had the talent to do it.
Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, I hear you on that. And I think yes, to your first point, listening, because a lot of times we see our kids and we want, and they’re struggling, or they’re sharing, and we just want to fix something for them, but validating the emotion that they’re having. And if it’s not an emotion, it’s not a problem. Still just listen versus like guessing the next thing you’re going to say. And that’s like, obviously, across the board at being a good listener.
And I think to your point, I mean, a surfer right now and he’s amazing. Yet he does, when he competes, he just freezes. And it’s his parents being very frustrated because they see how good he is. And, you know, we work on his mindset and, you know, and, you know, the hope is he can get out there and compete. And if that shoot, if that tends to not be his choice, just like your son, that’s okay, too. But it’s tough to watch someone with so much talent and not use it.
Suzy Shaw: Yes. It was really, it was harder for his father than it was for me. But, you know, it was a learning experience for parents.
So how does anxiety show up differently in boys, do you think? Especially those who seem to be doing well in school and sports or other activities?
Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, I think like, like a little bit, like I said earlier, you know, like with, with girls, you know, you get the crying, you get the, you know, you get the kind of like that emotional just outlet where, and I’m not saying my boys that I don’t work with or boys I’ve known, don’t cry. That’s not true, yet. Just societally, it’s, it’s very different. And I, and you, you might see it more in anger; you might see it more in, you know, an outburst or just a lot of resistance with saying maybe, maybe it’s mom, maybe it’s dad.
And I think that happens a lot with boys also because of choice too. I think a lot of parents giving their kids choice within reason goes a long way. But I think, yeah, it can come out in a more angry way in some boys. And then also the opposite of that is just the seclusion, the like, close the door, go on the video game or close the door. And, you know, so a lot of that’s normal. And you have to be careful because it might be too much and it’s, it’s not normal anymore.
And I don’t like to use the word normal, but during the teen years, and you know this very well, it’s all about friends; it’s all about them. It’s not, you know, not family as much. And we just have to monitor that because it can come out very outwardly, but it also can not be seen. And we have to make sure we’re seeing them.
Suzy Shaw: Right. Yeah. You know, there are so many nicknames for parents. We’ve got “helicopter parents”, you know, that hover and swoop in and fix things. “Lawnmower parents,” that mow the lawn and take all obstacles out of the way. The “tiger mom.” I called myself a “submarine parent,” and I kind of made that up, but I would float beneath the surface and collect intelligence and ping locations and on occasion, have a full breach, but, you know, mostly let them, you know, figure it out. So, so what strategy for teen boys, tween boys do you recommend? Not necessarily of those. And what do you think works and what doesn’t?
Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. And I like the way your analogy is with the submarine because I think the best thing you can do is let them problem solve, let them fail, let them, let them, let them. And obviously I’m sure there were times when you knew you had to step in. It was just, you know, beyond what they could reason at that point. But I feel as if a lot of parents, it takes kids way longer to process things than it does us. One, because of their brain, but two, because we’ve already gone through that situation. We already know the answer. So to pause, listen, observe, like you’re saying, under the surface, and ask good questions, and probe them to problem solve.
And working with a boy and his mom, it was always like, they’d be fighting. To him, I said, you have to go to mom with one solution before you can go and take all your emotions out on her. So, you know, and, and I, and to her, it was like, you have to take a step back and let him get that solution. So I think a lot of it is moving from correcting to observing, from reacting to just regulating yourself and from stepping in to just stepping back.
And none of the, and it’s at first feels like you don’t care, but that’s not the case. We have to let them have the experiences in order to grow, or else we’re robbing them. And it can be a fine balance. I understand that you don’t want them in risky situations. That’s fair. Yet if they fail something in seventh grade, it’s better to fail that in seventh grade than it is in senior year, you know, so an example.
So, you know, let them deal with the situation with their friend or the conflict, or coach them through it, but let them figure out how they want to handle it with your support. It’s almost like you’re their wingman, almost.
Suzy Shaw: Oh yeah. I like that analogy.
You know, the parenting journey, there are, there are times when you need, I think, professional help and support professionals like yourself for somebody that’s very high achieving, just even some parenting coaching.
We had a psychologist that saw both of our boys on occasion that we called “the boy whisperer,” you know, cause it’s like we just couldn’t get through to them. And so how important is it for a parent to find a resource to help in those, those moments of development?
Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. A hundred percent. And, and I, I often don’t bring this up. I’m not here for self-promotion, though. I am here to support and provide value. And it is true. You, you as the parent are, are emotionally attached to the situation and to the child. So Suzy saying XYZ, Carla saying XYZ, but who’s going to get through to your son? Probably me because it’s not mom or it’s not dad, you know?
So oftentimes parents, we’re on the same page. We have the same values and standards that we’re sharing with kids. Yet it’s, it’s, I can get through to them because I’m not attached in that way. And, and oftentimes boys in particular, but, but girls too, uh, don’t want to see me, and it’s not me. It’s I’m not broken. I don’t, I don’t need to be fixed. I don’t want to see a therapist. And that’s why I’m like, well, I’m not a therapist. I’m a coach. And that, that goes a long way because it’s, what goals do you want as a child, you know, a teenager? What goals do you want? And oftentimes their goals are very similar to their parents’ goals. And it’s, we want to work on where you’re at right now and get you to the next level in whatever areas of your life you want to get in. And so I think that that’s very important for parents to have, to be in, to reach out and know that, look, we’ve tried everything. We’re great parents. We have grace with ourselves. I’m not there to tell you that you don’t know what you’re doing. I’m just there to supplement what you’ve already put in place and, and help, help you as a family move to the next level. Yeah.
Suzy Shaw: I love what you were saying about “coach.” I discovered that, you know, almost like magic fairy dust, early in parenting, my boys and I started to call everybody a coach. So this was the organizational coach. This was the reading coach. This was the life coach. You know, it’s like, just cause they were more receptive to that.
Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. I mean, it makes sense. And I mean, nobody wants to think that they have their, they have a disease or something wrong with them. And we already, inertly as humans think there’s something wrong with us about all kinds of things. So I don’t want someone that’s going to just tell me there’s something wrong with me even more. I want someone that’s going to say like, look, I see you and, and I hear you, and I listen to you and I appreciate you and let’s, let’s work on what we, what you need to work through.
Suzy Shaw: So, how can parents encourage excellence in hard work without making the, you know, achievement the foundation of the child’s self-worth, you know, where’s that balance?
Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, yeah. I think it’s, I think it’s one in your life as a parent having that balance. So if you’re all the time on the phone on a laptop at work, and that’s the only thing that you’re focusing on, like, what do you think they’re going to focus on is part of it. And I think it’s also that their behavior follows their identity.
So helping them to identify, like, who they really are, and who they want to become versus what they want to do. So what they want to do is very important. Do you want to be a doctor, a lawyer, a plumber, you know, whatever. Yet, who do you want to become within whatever career you end up falling into? Because you and I, you’ve been in a bunch of careers. I’ve been in a bunch of careers, you know; they’re all kind of aligned. Yet we most likely, our kids are not going to be doing one thing for 30 years.
Suzy Shaw: Right. Especially these days, nobody is.
Dr. Carla Caturia: A hundred percent, a hundred percent. So it’s all about who you want to become confident, resilient, you know, all of these things. And then I think all of the other things fall into line.
So I think it’s, it’s to answer your question, I think it’s modeling that for them and balancing your own life and having values as a family. Like this is what we do on Friday night. And this is what we do on Sunday or, you know, whatever the rule might be as a, but as a family, but also it’s parents included, you know?
Suzy Shaw Right. Yeah. Yeah. When you’re dealing with a teen/tween that has burnout, you know, how do you, what are some of the warning signs? How do you identify that? Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, I think most of the kids that are officially burnt out already know it and are, and communicate that clearly to me through either saying it or just all like our conversations to start off with them just like exploding about every test they have exam or every, you know, how much pressure this, their relationship with these kids are, you know, you can just feel it. And they oftentimes focus on all of these external things because it’s very difficult for them to face the internal. And that’s, that’s hard. Yet the way that I handle it is listening, step one, and then slowly unwinding it. It’s not going to be where, for 18 years of your life, you’ve lived, and you’ve, you know, had this full schedule and all of a sudden, cause I work with you for a couple months, you’re going to just let go of everything.
But with that being said, it starts with, you know, take 15 minutes for yourself today, go for a walk, you know, like small little micro decisions that they can consistently do. If they don’t go to the gym, start going to the gym, you know, if they, you know, maybe just journaling, you know, there’s tons of strategies you can use, but it starts by like helping them to slow down a little bit, just a little bit, make a micro decision. And as they just to slow down a notch, we’re not- we’re not taking our foot off the gas. We’re just pausing. And I think it’s taking it down a notch and releasing a little bit of that anxiety a little at a time.
Suzy Shaw: Yeah. Well, teaching a child how to, you know, balance life, which is a struggle, you know, for all adults, I think, I mean, anyone who says they have balance, I would really question, you know, cause it’s, it’s, it’s just an ongoing thing that we all have to do.
So, I hear you in saying that that’s really what you’re trying to do is model balance and then help them with these micro decisions. Is that correct?
Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, a hundred percent. And I think, you know, a lot of kids come to me, and they are sort of ready, and some are ready, ready and asking for someone like me. And it comes down to their commitment to themselves. So it’s, some weeks they’re really good, and they implement all the things. Other weeks they fall off the wagon for lack of a better term, and it’s okay. And we’re human, and we start again next week. So yeah, it’s, if I think it comes down to like, you know, if they’re feeling, it’s like, will you make changes when there’s pain or pleasure? So they’re either moving towards something, and they really want this next thing, and they know what they’re doing right now won’t get them there. Or it’s just that there’s so much; they’re so stressed out. They can’t take any more. Please help me. I need to, I need to start implementing some things. And I think that’s when they really start to change because they have to want it.
And I’m not here to motivate anyone, but I can help them borrow my belief a little to get them to that place where they feel like they want it. So it’s, it’s, it’s not that every kid that comes to me isn’t raring to go, but we get them there because they can borrow my belief in themselves. Yeah.
Suzy Shaw: That’s, that’s very cool. So if there’s a mom, you know, listening today, who’s trying to, you know, figure out how to help her son in this identity with, with grade sports accomplishments, you know, what’s the first thing she should do?
Dr. Carla Caturia: So, I mean, that’s a big question because it’s kind of, it’s kind of broad, but I think it can be, you know, looking at herself, making sure step one, she’s regulated, she’s doing the best she can. Doesn’t mean she’s not going to have a bad day and blow up at him every once in a while, but am I kind of showing up as my best self?
And two, really giving that autonomy as much as you possibly can, giving them the choice. That helps to build their confidence instead of trying to control that destroys it.
And I think also, as we stated before, it’s seeing them at their next level and kind of addressing them at that next identity and, you know, trying not to put the pressure, trying not to try to motivate them, but, you know, seeing them as a B student, if they’re a C student, or seeing them as successful at, you know, chess or whatever it might be before they get themselves there and help helping them to borrow the belief from you.
Suzy Shaw: Yeah. I think that’s very valuable. So at the end of every podcast, I ask guests to share a motto, you know, something that a mom might say to herself as she’s trying to navigate this high-achieving teen, you know, what, what would you say?
Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. One of my favorites is, you know, I was like, I grew up with treat others like you want to be treated. And that was always like a big saying. And I’ve kind of adapted it for myself, and I hope, I hope I say it right, because I’m so used to saying treat others like you want to be treated, but it’s, it’s treat yourself like you want others to treat you. So I think oftentimes with moms specifically, moms of boys, you know, doing all the things, taking care of everyone else, not taking any time for themselves. And it’s like, okay, you know, treat yourself right first, how you would want others to treat you, you know, how you want to treat others. So I think having grace with themselves, taking care of themselves, and being able to say, no, I just can’t do that right now. And, you know, and they will live life will go on.
Suzy Shaw: Yeah, no, no is such a valuable word. And you really need to teach them that when they’re right out of the gate, so that they can hear it when they’re older. But I fully agree that as moms, we can be very hard on ourselves. And my motto is be kind to yourself. And I say that at the end of every single podcast, because I believe it is a struggle with moms trying to do the best we can; I guess we’re all high achieving.
Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, 100%. And you know, their kids have to take responsibility for their emotions. You know, we’ve had we’ve we have so much responsibility for them since birth. And it’s hard to see them hurt, struggle, any of the things, yet, if they, you know, if they don’t, it’s not yours to take on; it’s yours to just support them through how they can handle it.
So yeah, yeah, moms are fantastic, and more power to them. And the only way they get that more power is by taking care of themselves.
Suzy Shaw: I always wanted my kids to fail while they were home more than fail when they were out. So, you know, giving the grace to fail is, is was, you know, a gift for really everybody. So where can parents go for more information about you? We’ll put that at the end of the, you know, the podcast and on the web page.
Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, I appreciate that. Social media is a good way to connect with me. You know, YouTube, Instagram, Facebook- it’s just under my name, Dr. Carla Caturia. You can message me if you would like, or if you just want to follow me. That’s fair, too. I just put out a lot of content that hopefully helps parents provide some value and yeah, just supporting the best way that I can. So yeah, I’d love to hear from you. Well, thank you for your time. And we appreciate that.
Dr. Carla Caturia: Thank you so much. I loved our time together.
