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Middle school is a time of rapid change—curiosity grows, boundaries get tested, and new risks emerge. In this episode, I talk with educator and recovery coach Chris Rogers about how to spot the difference between normal behavior and potential warning signs, from social media to substance exposure.
We also focus on how to respond in a way that keeps communication open. Chris shares practical strategies for approaching tough conversations with curiosity instead of confrontation, helping you guide your son while staying connected.
Chris Rogers is an educator and certified recovery coach who works directly with teens and families to address compulsive behaviors, including pornography use and other risk-related challenges. With a background in teaching in New York City and experience supporting students with diverse learning needs, Chris brings both professional expertise and real-world understanding to his work with young people.
As the founder of Rebooted Teen, Chris has developed programs designed specifically for adolescents, helping them build self-awareness, accountability, and healthier decision-making skills. His approach focuses on meeting teens where they are—without shame—while also equipping parents with practical tools to support open communication and long-term growth.
The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice. Consult with a qualified professional for specific guidance.
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Middle School Boys and Risky Behavior: Warning Signs and How to Respond
When my boys were in middle school, I was on high alert about what they might get into. At the time, my biggest concerns were smoking, drugs, and alcohol. If I were parenting a teen today, I would expand that list to include things like pornography and sports betting.
The middle school years are a time when boys are curious, impulsive, and beginning to push boundaries as they figure out who they are. For parents, the challenge is knowing what’s normal curiosity and what might be a warning sign and how to respond in a way that keeps communication open rather than shutting down.
My guest today is Chris Rogers, an educator and a recovery coach who works directly with young people to help them build awareness, accountability, and healthier decision-making. Welcome to the show, Chris.
Chris Rogers: Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate this.
Suzy Shaw: You know, I understand you’re a teacher in New York City. Could you tell me a little bit about your experience and how you got into addiction counseling?
Chris Rogers: Yeah, yeah. So I was a music teacher in New York City for the better part of a decade. I went to school for that. I thought, that’s what I’m gonna do for the rest of my life. And I really, really did love it. The last position I had was teaching elementary school general music for all students with learning disabilities. Every student had an IEP, and I was learning a lot and accomplishing a lot. I really loved it.
But behind the scenes, I, in my own private life, was struggling with an out-of-control behavior. And I was struggling, thankfully, not with drugs, not with alcohol, but the thing for me just so happened to be pornography. Cutting to the chase, 2020 happens, and after lots of trial and error and trying to do this thing on my own and still engaging in, you know, behaviors that eventually escalate into riskier things, I needed to stop kidding myself. And I knew that I needed help. I really knew that I needed to do something significant. Otherwise, I would just kind of be white-knuckling it for the rest of my days.
I eventually found a program online that radically changed my life with a company called Elevated Recovery. And it absolutely transformed me without trying to sound, you know, hyperbolic or anything like that. It truly, truly did. And I became so involved in this particular community that I was offered a job.
I was so passionate about it because not only was I able to use my skills in a new way, but it was so healing for me. It was so transformative and really met me where I was at. And when I was offered that job, I took the leap to do this full-time because this was what mattered to me. To be able to truly, authentically, and intimately meet a hurting person, meet someone who’s confused and likely has tried so many different ways to conquer a compulsive behavior on their own, and be able to take them by the hand and say, brother, I’ve been there. You know what I’m saying?
But where I’m at now is really kind of blending those two worlds together. And I’ve created a program of my own, which I’m sure we’ll dive into, called Rebooted Teen. And it’s essentially the same program that I was introduced to, but modified for a younger audience.
So it takes my life experience, both my experience through my certifications as a, you know, porn and sex addiction recovery coach, as a relapse prevention specialist, and really breaking it down for someone who is in their middle school and high school years. I know what it’s like to feel like I couldn’t speak to anybody or I couldn’t ask anybody certain questions while going through the joys of adolescence. But the program’s intention is to meet a young person where they’re at and provide that same sense of community. Just to emphasize the fact that they’re not alone, they’re not crazy, they’re not broken, and that there’s hope.
Suzy Shaw: So, what would you say the age is typically of your clients?
Chris Rogers: Yeah, on average, like 13 to 17. So like I said, like middle school to high school ages.
Suzy Shaw: So today we’re going to try to focus a little bit more on the middle school age, and maybe high school, but thinking of it more as the gateway issues, the, you know, what a parent needs to really look out for during these introductory years.
And, you know, developmentally, you know, for my boys, you know, this was a really tricky period, the whole middle school period. You know, they go from being the top dog in elementary school to the bottom of the rung in middle school, and then bottom of the rung again when they go into high school. And, you know, it’s just an ever-changing adjustment period.
Chris Rogers: I absolutely vividly remember being in fifth grade and then going into sixth grade, my first year of middle school, and remember telling my mom, it feels like I’m in first grade again, you know, like bottom of the rung. It’s sort of like, it feels like you’re at the bottom of the totem pole. So I absolutely can empathize with, you know, a young person experiencing that, but as far as what’s going on.
Suzy Shaw: Right, what developmentally is happening at this period?
Chris Rogers: Yeah, so to really kind of break it down a nerdy kind of neurological way for a second, and then we’ll get more practical, at this stage in, you know, say anywhere between like a 10 to 12 year olds, you know, brain development, they’re really starting to understand the ins and outs of conversation, and thinking more logically, and becoming more concrete about their opinions, their likes, their dislikes, what they’re comfortable with, what they’re uncomfortable with.
It’s a really, really important time as far as their own development goes, but this is where we get the case of middle schoolers having no filter. They like what they like, and they don’t like what they don’t like. If something doesn’t fit a certain category, then it’s weird, then it’s wrong, then it’s off, right?
Now, in this stage, you know, as they’re learning more about the world, and they’re learning more about themselves, the art form of things like nuance, and history, and empathy, those are still things that are being developed. Those are things that are still, on average, being learned at that time. So, as awkward as this might feel for a parent or guardian, it’s super important to have those types of conversations during those concrete phases before the learning turns into multiple conversations about unlearning, you know?
Suzy Shaw: Right. In my book, I call that stage the man-cub stage, because they become man-sized, and they’re staring you suddenly in the eye, but brain-wise, still very much a cub, and you know, not fully connected. Right.
And it’s also a period of natural curiosity and testing boundaries, which is, you know, what the parents are on the receiving side of sometimes. So how can parents tell the difference between just normal curiosity and behaviors that might be moving into risky territory? Are there, you know, red flags?
Chris Rogers: Right. Absolutely. I mean, as far as things to watch out for, as far as things to kind of, like, you know, keep your antenna sort of, you know, on the lookout for, there are a few categories that I like to divvy them up into.
Now, how do you know when it’s time to have a conversation like this? Like, hey, here’s what this is, here’s what it isn’t. How do you know when it’s time? Well, some red flags to look out for, I put them into, like, three different categories. There’s behavioral, there’s technological, and there’s social.
So, for behavioral, right, it’s like, you know, do you notice a sudden sense of secrecy around their device usage? Don’t look at my phone, don’t touch my iPad, you know. Do you find, like, they’re more prone to using maybe over-sexualized language, you know, when they’re just, like, talking with their friends or making jokes, you know. It’s just things to look out for. It doesn’t automatically mean that all the red flags are there, and it’s a problem. It’s an opportunity to open up a conversation.
The second category is those technological cues. So, for example, you know, if you take a look at your child’s device, which, by the way, let me throw this in there, I’m a big advocate for this. If you are a parent or a guardian, and if your child has a device, odds are you got that device for them. I’m a big advocate for having a huge conversation, not a huge conversation, but make a big point to say, this is mine, but I’m ready.
Suzy Shaw: So I said exactly that to my boys. I’m like, I pay for it. Yep. It is mine. (Perfect.) It is mine. I will take a look at it anytime I want to.
Chris Rogers: Perfect. With that said, if you notice on their device, do they have multiple apps for chatting with others, you know, viewing content, things like that, web browsing? It’s just something to be in the know about. You know, there are more and more apps that are prone to contain explicit or adult content. While not pornographic in nature, it is very, very likely that certain things will crawl through the cracks. Snapchat, TikTok, YouTube, Discord: it’s just things to be aware of. That’s all.
And the third being social, right? So when you hear them speak, when they talk to you, do you notice, for example, a sense of cynicism around things like relationships or marriage, about men, about women, about intimacy, you know? Is there a spark of curiosity, perhaps, that seems kind of beyond their age, you know? It’s just like, where did you hear that from, right?
Again, it’s not like, oh, you know, sound the alarm, but all we’re looking for are opportunities to open up a dialogue. I know we probably know this logically, but I’ll say it anyway. The problem is not your child, right? When we open up these types of conversations, we go at it with the sense of like a combative nature, it’s likely to have them shut down.
I mean, if someone’s coming, I don’t care how old you are, if someone’s coming at us like, why don’t you do this? There’s a natural sense to recoil, to self-preserve, to protect yourself, right? If you lead with shame, they’re gonna stay the same. But remember, it’s not you versus your child; it’s both of you together versus the problem. It’s versus the unwanted behavior.
So those are just some things to keep your antenna on the lookout for. Remember, the mission is not to punish; the mission is curiosity. Open up a dialogue to get to see where they’re coming from.
Suzy Shaw: We’ve had a couple of really powerful podcasts with professionals talking about communication with teens and how not to get into that adversarial relationship, which I will say some of that is not addressing it at the moment that you discover it, because at that moment, you’re in such a heightened level of emotion and alert that you’re probably not going to be able to communicate, you know, effectively and smoothly.
The other thing I would say is that the MOB, which is the Mothers of Boys, the friends of mine, that we were all sort of in it together, that was really critical in uncovering, you know, behavior, because it typically was not done in a vacuum. And some kids talk more than other kids, and so just a little bit of intel goes a long way, too. So when you do, you know, feel like something’s going on, to be able to, you know, check with the other moms and your friend group, you know, I found very helpful.
Chris Rogers: Yeah, confiding in others. I mean, community is everything. I mean, there are free resources that I have for parents or guardians online. It’s called the Rebooted Teen Parent Program, where I literally walk you through conversation starters, like things to keep in mind when approaching these types of conversations. And there’s a Facebook group where we can confide in one another, trade notes, see what others are having success with or struggling with, you know.
It really, really comes in handy. Like, there’s wisdom in community, you know. There’s the old, you know, as it’s commonly said, iron sharpening iron, like really keeping yourself sharp. But the more personal something feels, you know, the more universal it actually is. So whether it’s the MOB or whether it’s the Rebooted Teen Parent Program, community group, you know, we’ve got your back, you know. The more personal something feels, the more universal it is.
Suzy Shaw: So, you know, there’s a lot of different flavors, I would say, of addiction concern. You know, there’s, you mentioned pornography, gaming, smoking, vaping, and alcohol. How does peer pressure begin to show up during, you know, this middle school period and push kids into something?
Chris Rogers: Sure. Well, I mean, kind of going back to their stage of development, as far as literally at this point in their lives, the way their brain is growing, all the ways that they’re developing into more, you know, logically thinking, concrete individuals, they’re surrounded by human beings that are going through the same metamorphosis themselves. You know what I’m saying? So no wonder it’s such an overwhelming time. We all remember middle school, right?
Suzy Shaw: Yeah, the caterpillars becoming butterflies.
Chris Rogers: Exactly. Exactly. So keep that in mind, you know, surrounded by everybody changing. You know, people are popping out of cocoons. They’re blossoming. They are changing physically. They’re changing mentally.
Peer pressure plays a role in this age, because when it comes to, for example, the case of pornography, they’re developing a relationship with something that they don’t have a full grasp or understanding of yet. There certainly is a pressure to, especially in this day and age, in the age of A.I., fake news and social media, where everyone has a platform. You’re kind of born into a world where the Internet is a stage, and you’re expected to be a performer. So nobody wants to see a bad performer, you know?
So there’s this pressure to kind of be on all the time. Oh, I know what that is. Oh, I know the answers. Like, I’ve got it all put together. This is where social media booms. You know, this is the social media creators. You know, the tech geniuses behind it are very, very aware of this sensation and this very volatile period in a young person’s life. It gives them that stage to perform on, you know?
Suzy Shaw: So, when you are working with a young person, do you encourage them to cut off social media?
Chris Rogers: At first, I do, because one thing, one skill, one value that I truly, truly encourage a young person to dive into is that sense of self-awareness. Who are you without the screen? Who are you without the stage?
Now, that might sound overly simplistic, but we’ve got to keep in mind that when you get to that sense of confidence, not ego or self-importance, when you learn that kind of practice earlier on in your life, it’s more likely to stick later on into adulthood. Because again, the problem itself is not the screen. The problem itself is not necessarily the social media. It’s the belief behind it and around it. It’s that connection to it to the point where it becomes emotionally compulsive. And of course, when you add a sexual element to it in the course of pornography, it kind of takes that from level 1 to level 100.
But who are you? What’s really important to you? I can’t tell someone what should be important to them. I can’t tell someone how they should lead their lives. My role as a coach is to provide you with the facilitation for your own self-discovery. What is it that you want? Who is it that you want to be? And what is it going to take for you to get there? We develop that enough and make that more of a normalcy early on in life so that when they say turn 18, maybe go off to college, and they’re on screens, maybe without a filter on them, and they’re sort of free range, do they have that internal muscle memory to think before they speak, to, you know, think before they act?
It’s not a matter of, oh, we’re going to be perfect all the time. But having that foundation to fall back on, that’s why it’s so important to understand where they’re at. But again, understand the value of these types of conversations earlier as opposed to later.
Suzy Shaw: So, let’s say a middle school mom stumbles across something. What do you think the steps should be, and how do you advise that you begin the conversation?
Chris Rogers: A couple of things come to mind, not the least of which is before you even engage in the conversation, establish your expectations, establish your intentions. What is- as a mother, right? What is your goal of this conversation? What is it that you want to have happen? Is it the intention to teach? Is the intention to lecture like this is what this is? Is it the intention to ask questions, to get curious? There’s no wrong answer, but going in with no expectations or no intentions is certainly not going to help you. So go in with a plan. That’s the first thing.
But one of the biggest things is to establish an atmosphere of non-judgment. And it goes back to that simple yet profound picture. It’s not me versus you. It’s us together versus the behavior at hand. That is the mission.
It’s not a matter of like, I thought I taught you better than this. How could you watch this filth? What’s going on internally that would lead you to something like this externally? That is the target. So non-judgmental.
Explaining that it’s normal to feel feelings of arousal again during the stage of development. That’s what happens. And the more that we sweep these kinds of things under the rug, the more we pretend they don’t exist, the more the stigma will persist. Right.
So, there’s a culture of curiosity that I highly encourage the facilitation of, you know, like asking questions, like what leads you there, you know, what is it that you get out of it? You know, as far as what to include in these types of conversations again, before you engage in the conversation, remember what porn is. Remember what it is. It is a fantasy. It is entertainment. It is not real. But also understand someone who hasn’t been exposed to a real sexual experience, ideally someone who does not understand the concept of consent. Right. These are things that you can, again, see this as an opportunity to discuss.
There are the three C’s. There’s Context, Conversation and Consent, you know, just, you know, consent, meaning like, you know. The parties involved, they give permission for what’s going to happen, right, things don’t just happen haphazardly, there’s there’s a relationship there, there’s conversation, there’s things that happen before an act occurs. Context, and that sex has a time and a place. All right. And conversation, you know, again, we have parts of our body that have names. You know, we don’t need to be see, we don’t necessarily need to, you know, go down, you know, the stork, the birds and the bees. It’s just like this is what’s going on. Right. I’ve seen this part of the movie before, you know, it’s like this is what to expect.
So, so what does it take to achieve that type of real confidence, that pure human confidence that’s not dependent on another person’s approval, that’s not dependent on something or somebody else? It’s three things: education, emotional intelligence and a sense of groundedness.
Education in the sense of, OK, like, I know about this, I know what this is. So there’s less to worry about. I know what this is. It’s less mystique and mystery, you know, emotional intelligence. Again, I know who I am. I know what’s important to me. And if I’m feeling uncomfortable, I know who I can turn to for help.
Suzy Shaw: So do you think there’s much of an addiction difference between pornography and alcohol, you know, drugs, smoking, all those dopamine-laden things, or do you attack it all in the same way?
Chris Rogers: The heart of every vice is very similar, not exactly the same, but similar, simply in the sense of there’s something internal that needs medicating. And I found this external substance or behavior to do just that, you know, whether it’s alcohol, whether it’s a certain substance, whether it’s pornography, whether it’s food, whether it’s something else, there’s there’s something external that’s treating to something internal.
But the way a behavioral addiction differs from a substance-based addiction is we’ve developed an unhealthy relationship with something that the body is naturally able to do. For all intents and purposes, I don’t need alcohol to live and sustain a life. Right. But when it comes to the prolonging of the human species, I’m going to naturally have sexual feelings. So is a teenager. What we’re relearning how to do if our behavior in that avenue has become compulsive is to reestablish a healthy connection and relationship with that very real part of us.
Now, as far as how it affects the brain, you know, we’re talking about, you know, dopamine, the feel-good chemical. Of course, it’s the chemical that’s behind our sense of motivation, because if dopamine weren’t involved, then perhaps we wouldn’t be addicted to anything. Right. The thing that kind of keeps us motivated, that kind of effect, that feel-good hormone.
But there’s also like what’s called norepinephrine. So long story short, it is responsible for classifying this particular behavior as important. It’s responsible for what’s called euphoric recall. So literally it’s the memory of the high. It’s the apex of that particular experience without thinking about the adverse consequences. You know, it’s kind of like that part within us that has that tendency to want to play with fire.
You know, there is an adrenal response, you know, adrenaline is involved. You know, there is something called prolactin that we become addicted to. So after one orgasm, there is a surge of a chemical that’s released called prolactin. And it’s that sense of like, oh, OK, the job has been accomplished. We can relax now.
Suzy Shaw: You know, as a mom, as a parent, risk management was always a big concern. And, you know, during middle school and high school, part of my risk management strategy was control over the Wi-Fi and the Internet. So it was on a schedule. It turned off, it turned back on. So it wasn’t on all the time. And a similar strategy with data and the cell phone. I kept a pretty good eye on the data and the cell phone.
One of the things I wish I had done was purchase, you know, a small safe or some sort of lockbox to put prescription medication and medication in. And, you know, I just didn’t I didn’t think about it. I feel like you think about it more when they’re little kids and they’re toddlers, and then they get into this middle school, high school. And I just didn’t think about it as much. And we did have a moment when I discovered one of the boys was trying painkillers that we had in the house. And that was terrifying for me. And we had a very serious, you know, conversation about that.
And I also talked to my friends about that. One of my friends told me that she hides all of her medication in her in a tampon box and in that genius and and she has three boys. She was like, nobody’s going to go in there for anything. But, you know, what sort of tips do you have for this risk management besides what I’ve just mentioned?
Chris Rogers: I think I might steal that idea. Oh, man. Well, you know, and speaking of the lockbox, I mean, I think that’s certainly a good place to start. Again, this is a tool, not a toy. So after you’re done using the hammer, you put it back in the toolbox. Right. There’s a time and place for it.
Now, in the Rebooted Teen Parent Program, we speak a lot about filters. You know, there are a few that I can certainly recommend. But here’s a deal. I mean, when it comes to those filters, the best filter that a child, really anybody, is ever going to have is going to be themselves, which is why it’s the harder but long-term, more effective avenue to go down when it comes to giving your child the tools and the system to become more of a self-advocate, you know. When we’re talking about what it is that you actually want, what’s going to bring you closer there and what’s going to cause you to drift further away, you know.
Have the filters on the devices as a place to start, absolutely. There’s tons of accountability-based apps that I would love to recommend as far as, you know, navigating screen time, you know, cutting apps off after a certain limit. There’s one that I use on my phone just to so I’m not scrolling too long called Stay Free, really practical, it’s free. There’s another one called Covenant Eyes, which is one that my clients use. It’s when you have an ally or a buddy, an accountability partner to kind of monitor your screen time. And if something kind of slips through the cracks, they’ll contact that person and say, what’s going on? You know. There’s plenty.
But again, the skill that we’re trying to develop, especially through this program, is that sense of self-dependability over time. While there’s much to learn, while there is so much of the world to discover, you know, in the world of influencers nowadays, you are their original influencer. So walk in that confidence. And I don’t say that to be corny, but walk in that confidence. You know, it starts with the training wheels. We can talk about filters. We can talk about the lockbox. Great places to start. But know that long term, the goal is to get them to a place where they have, as I mentioned earlier, that foundation to walk on.
What’s that foundation? That sense of standards, that sense of value, that sense of self-awareness. If we want to raise young people who exhibit a sense of self-control, we need to first conquer the mountain of self-awareness. It starts there. You can’t have one without the other.
Suzy Shaw: And I think moms are very powerful in that conversation with their sons. Absolutely. And discussing their expectations of what they expect, you know, across the board, but especially in relationships with women, pornography, you know, and the effects of alcohol and drugs and what that does to the decision making, which blunts, you know, totally blunts their good decision making.
We have recorded a couple of podcasts that I want to suggest our listeners check in to with communications with teens. We have Casey O’Rourke, who was a positive discipline trainer. She did a fabulous podcast, and another psychologist, Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst. And so I encourage, you know, moms to listen, listen to those just for how to talk, you know, learn those sentences, like what you had said, you know, that how to, how do you have those conversations? Like, “help me understand” was, was when I used a lot, you know, fill in the blank.
What is something you would encourage moms to remember when parenting starts to feel especially hard?
Chris Rogers: You know, when it comes to conversations like these, it can feel a little intimidating. I mean, here I am using words like norepinephrine.
Here’s the deal for any mom that’s feeling overwhelmed for a child in their middle school years. As I said earlier, you are absolutely not alone. There are communities that have your back and have your best interests at heart that are going to meet you where you’re at. And if you feel you need that extra facilitation will help meet your child where he or she is at, you know, that’s my heart, and that’s why I’m here. And the reason why I’m so passionate about this is because I’ve seen it from both sides.
Both as a 13, 14 year old who, you know, felt all of these feelings and didn’t have the verbiage to express them articulately yet, you know, and I’ve also been a, you know, a facilitator, a teacher, a coach’s perspective where I get to work with young people that are learning about the world for the first time, that are learning about themselves for the first time, that are watching their friends that they’ve known for years change in front of their eyes, you know, that caterpillar to butterfly type of thing. Sometimes it’s beautiful. Wow, we’re growing together. Look at us. And sometimes it can be heartbreaking. My friends aren’t my friends anymore.
So if what you’re looking for is that sense of community, that sense of reinforcement, that’s what the Rebooted Teen Parent Program is all about. It’s free. It’s from my heart to yours for anybody who might be curious or struggling or, at the very least, curious. You can check it out at rebootedteen.com.
Suzy Shaw: I appreciate you mentioning, you know, the Rebooted Teen Program. It’s a valuable resource. There are resources available for moms, and I totally agree- it’s a community. You’re not in this alone. So thank you for that. And we will link to your contact information and the program on the mothersofboys.life website for this program.
And so, Chris, at the end of each episode, I ask our guests to share a motto or a guiding phrase or a thought that a mom can say to herself as she’s going through this difficult period. What do you recommend?
Chris Rogers: There’s a word that means the world to me, and that word is exhale. The reason why that word means a lot to me is for many reasons, but not the least of which is this. When I was struggling, when I was in a funk, when I was experiencing normal, regular, almost like internally scheduled panic attacks, and really struggling with an out-of-control behavior and feeling alone and feeling stressed out, that pressure to be on all the time, I got on a conversation with I got on a phone conversation with my aunt, who was like my second mom, and I’m like venting to her. I’m like, and I’m freaking out. Everything’s crumbling. I’m free. And she is like really giving it to me on the phone. She said, Chris, you need to exhale right now and just let it all out.
The reason why the other mantra, the more personal something is, the more universal it is, means so much to me also is because I’ve seen that both in my work, but in my life. And it’s a blessing to be able to provide that sense of community for those who need it and exhale, you know, let it out and it’s OK.
Suzy Shaw: Right. And it’s a part of development, and, you know, something we all need to to, you know, understand and communicate about, and get through. And this too will pass. Right.
So thank you so much for being here on this podcast and, you know, talking about what might be a difficult conversation for some parents, but very, very critical.
